(Not really…I’m just dramatic.)
Hello, readers of Crackin’ Wax! Chris has asked me to write a piece about the woes of being married to him. Ahem, I mean, to a card blogger/breaker. Actually he’s a pretty great guy– I could write for days about being his partner-in-crime and expound on his virtues, but that wouldn’t be as interesting as airing my grievances, right? Right. Onward.
I’m Amy, Crackin’ Wax’s wife, a.k.a. Literal Quirk. You may know my hunched-over torso from my not-so-stellar, on camera sorting abilities. Here’s a Brady-Bunch grid of our family:
I used to live here, where I’d post about wretchedly embarrassing moments. If you want a good laugh or enjoy peeing your pants, give this one a read. I’ve now set up shop at Literal Quirk but have apparently been out-to-lunch since April. My intention is to get back to regularly posting in the fall. I appreciate Chris’ offer to go all 5th-grade-creative-writing on this site; I promise to relinquish controls back to him after I hit “publish”.
I wish there was a manual for “Living with a Card Blogger/Sports Enthusiast/Boy” because, WOW, there’s a bit of a learning curve. Since no such manual exists, I thought I’d create an FAQ for this topic:
Q: How will our house look before, during and one week following a break?
A: Say goodbye to any clean, open surfaces – each and every one of them will be covered with stacks of cards, post-it notes, bubble-wrap, web-cam/laptop cables, packing tape, and approximately 1000 pieces of card-protectors. Give up the idea that you have a dining room; this is a complete lie and it will forever be filled with eleventy-six cardboard boxes, ranging from jewelry-box size to coffin because “I might need that!”
Q: What if we have cats?
A: Your cats will constantly be jonesing to knock over a precariously stacked team-set so start training them to live in one room for about a week. Quickly realize that said room will be covered in an inch of cat hair and contain a very questionable aroma. Invest in Febreze and a turbo-brush for your vacuum. Ahh forget that. You’ll just have to burn that room down and re-build.
Q: Will I receive any mail?
A: No. You will never receive another piece of mail because nothing but Take-My-Cards SASE’s will take up all the room in the box. Note: SASE’s will be placed in strategic piles that you can’t possibly understand but “DON’T MOVE THEM, YOU’LL MESS UP THE SYSTEM!”
Q: What will be my husband’s name?
A: A shortened, dippy-version of his real name that he would NEVER answer to unless it’s via his blog/twitter/breaks. If you ever call him by this dippy-version, he’ll say “don’t even” like a Kardashian. If you’d like to change your name from, say, Matthew to Thew, this will be acceptable to the blog community, but not elsewhere; elsewhere, you will be called a douche bag.
Q: Will I get to practice photography?
A: Oh yes. Be ready for “Do you have a quick sec to take a photo?” to turn into a full-out, hour-long session. You will take photos of the card-breaker, cards, cases of cards and boxes about to be shipped. Prepare for the fierce glamour of it all.
Q: What is the diet of a card-breaker?
A: Outside of breaks, it’s pretty darn healthy, but during breaks, dark-chocolate MnM’s and Mountain Dew will be main-lined like heroin. When the break is over, the card-breaker will almost always be confused as to why he’s wired and has a gut ache. Note: Responding with “Really?” will not be seen as supportive feedback.
Q: What will be the constant soundtrack of our home?
A: This sound will be omnipresent. FOR REAL. It will haunt your dreams.
All kidding aside, I’m terribly proud of Chris and all that his blog and all of you in the card-collecting-community have done for various non-profits. I find myself getting excited for breaks and feel lucky to be a part of the experience! Until next time, as TOPHER (good Lord) would say, “Keep Crrrrackin’ that Wax!”