Go Easy On Me
(it’s my first time)
Before the ‘09 season kicks off, I thought I’d give you a taste of what’s to come. Alright, let’s be real here. I just wanted to see if I sound like a massive tool. If so, mission accomplished.
I chose the Heritage Hi No because it’s low-end, and, let’s face it, pretty boring. Why waste my time reviewing something exciting, right? HOW DARE I?!
MUSIC:
Nirvana – Nevermind
PURCHASE TYPE:
"Bonus Box" Blaster, Target, $19.99
PACKAGE DESIGN:
You know what’s a really good idea? Making the box design of your new product look almost EXACTLY like the box design of another product you just put out a month ago! Oh, wait. No it’s not. Sorry, Topps. I think one of the reasons it took me so long to finally find one of these so-called Bonus Boxes is because I thought all I was seeing were boxes of Update. Come on, guys. You’re supposed to be pros. Would it kill you to not be so lazy?
FIRST IMPRESSIONS:
At first, I was pretty excited for an extended edition of this year’s Heritage set. Now I’d like all of my money back. If Topps is trying to make my childhood collection look impressive, this is one way to do it. It’s not that the cards don’t look nice (with the exception of the designers going Photoshop crazy), it’s just that I got a box full of duds. Completely. Full. Of. DUDS. I can hear Topps now. Defending their product. Saying things like "yeah, but, we’ve added two Updates cards in each pack! Added value!" *grabs megaphone* *clears throat* Ahem. BULLSHIP! I’m not disputing the fact that there are two Updates cards in each pack. What you have thrown in there is complete and utterly useless pack filler. You’ve congested the actual product with leftovers of a product that failed in the market. We don’t want them. Please don’t mix them in with other products just to get rid of them. YOU’RE WELCOME.
THE PRODUCT:
Don’t get me wrong, I really like the Heritage idea. I’m just not sure, however, if it warrants an extended/update set. Of course, Topps wants to stay true with their gimmicks that seem to work on a lot of collectors. The short prints, the black backs, and the no-name rookies that people seem to sleep-drool over. I also realize that this is a low-end product, so my expectations shouldn’t be too high. Above the soles of my shoes would have been nice, though. Much like its 2008 predecessor, this set gave no real sense of value. Even if you were lucky enough to pull a hit, this set presents no mojo. Well, unless you’re really into the Oakland A’s. Let me tell you about my Oakland A’s mojo. In one pack… ONE PACK… I got nothing… NOTHING… but Oakland A’s cards. Faulty collation or coincidence? You decide!
Topps also seems to think it’s cute to include sticks of gum into each and every pack. Yeah, I know you’re mainly selling to kids and fat, balding "collectors," but if you’re going to get cute with the gum, at least do it right. I don’t want some soft, fresh, and decidedly much larger stick of gum sealed inside of its own wrapper. No. What I want is thirteen rock hard, glass sharp shards of pink material coated in white powder. I want to be able to shred my mouth open as I crunch into each broken little piece. I want the backside of the last card in each pack to be frosted in gum sugar. Topps. You’re killing my memories. Stop it.
HIGHLIGHTS:
Umm… pretty much nothing, really. I’m serious. I got a dud box. Obviously, blasters aren’t a good way to score anything huge, but this was the dud of all duds. I might as well have just opened eight packs full of David Wright Topps of the Class decoys.
- 4 Black Backs
- 1 RC Black Back
- 4 RCs
- 1 RC Short Print
- 1 Short Print
- 1 Flashbacks
- 1 Then & Now
FINAL SCORE:
Lazy package design, boring product, unprofessional use of Photoshop Actions, unrealistically fresh gum, value comparable to Opening Day sets. You’ve just earned yourself a 1991 Topps Steave Searcy! Just good enough to stick in the spokes of my bike. Fortunately for you, I never ride my bike.
Oh, and by the way, Topps. Bonus Box? Show me a blaster of this product with only seven packs and I’ll believe that this is a Bonus Box. Otherwise, just call it what it is. A box of eight packs.
